Personal Resilience: four questions to ask yourself when self-doubt creeps in
“No pressure. No diamonds”. These words were spoken by 19th century Scottish historian Thomas Carlye and reflect the reality that occasionally we do amazing things under challenging conditions. We can, however, find that our personal resilience is tested when excessive pressure and demands turn to stress, self-doubt or loss of perspective.
In this article we’ll explore what happens when we are triggered by events. What tends to push our inner critic into overdrive, and ultimately, simple strategies to manage self-doubt when it arises.
But first, it is useful to have some context around self-doubt, feeling like an imposter, and what is likely to be happening psychologically when moments of doubt break over us. During the research for her book on Imposter Syndrome the author Clare Jose surveyed people on their experiences with self-doubt. One particular question in the survey examined the extent to which self-doubt had affected an individual’s performance in the past. Unsurprisingly, nearly 90% of those surveyed reported that they had experienced feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt at some point in their life. As for the 10% of respondents reporting that they had never been impacted by Imposter Syndrome… we can only wonder.
“90% reported that they have experienced feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt”
In KPMG’s 2020 Women’s Leadership Summit Report, nearly half of those surveyed felt that feelings of self-doubt arose because they had not expected to reach the level of success they had achieved professionally. A third of people stated that they had struggled with Imposter Syndrome because their personal network did not include others in a similar situation to them either personally or professionally.
Three quarters of the professional women surveyed in the report believed that their male peers did not experience feelings of self-doubt with the same level of intensity as they had. However, 47% of the people surveyed felt that a supportive boss was the number one factor in reducing feelings of Imposter Syndrome.
While reading this you may reflect on the relationship with your boss and the quality of that relationship. You may also consider, “what type of boss am I?” to others.
What’s happening in the moment
If you are one of the people that has experienced self-doubt you may have asked yourself a deceptively simple question, and not received the answer you wanted. The question is made of three words and has the power to accelerate us forward into new situations and conversations, or stop us in our tracks with a thud. Am I enough?
You may notice the question suggests comparison and judgement. It has implications for one’s identity as an individual and leaves space for an unhelpful response. The interesting thing is we rarely ask ourselves this searching question when everything is going well. So, where does the question come from?
As humans we try to predict the future. Constantly. In fact, we’re hardwired to scan our environment, to scenario plan, and avoid threats that may endanger us or things that are important to us. It is this ‘threat scanning’ that sits at one end of a balancing scale. Threat in this context is a combination of the probability that something unwanted will happen and the impact of that event should it happen.
On the other side of the balancing scale is our belief that a ‘successful outcome’ is possible under the circumstances. Successful outcome can be thought of as our view of what we can cope with and the resources available to us in that moment.
On a moment-by-moment basis, often subconsciously, this balancing scale, with threat on one end and success on the other, is constantly readjusting to our perceived circumstances. When we become triggered by events it is an indication that the scale has tipped in favour of the threat. Another thing that happens in moments of significant self-doubt is that we begin to overestimate the magnitude of the threat and underestimate the likelihood of a successful outcome. This strengthens any existing feelings of foreboding.
Think back to a moment when your personal resilience was being stretched, your inner critic was screaming, and your view of the situation was dim. Chances are you made it through that period okay and, after some time had passed, the impact did not feel so acute.
The author and educator, Charles Swindoll, once stated that “Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it.” While we might challenge the percentages in his statement the sentiment proves to be supported by research. Our perceptions and beliefs define us and shape our behaviour. How often do you test your reality? How often do you look back on challenging times and events for insight into how your own perceptions and beliefs contributed to any feelings of self-doubt?
Regardless of the cause it can be useful to know what is going on when our normal rational self is being hijacked by uncontrolled and sometimes unanticipated emotions and reactions. A small yet vital part of the brain has become activated. Triggered by a single event, or the culmination of events, our amygdala dumps hormones into our brain, nervous system, and muscles, as it prepares the body physically for action. This response might be to stay and fight the threat or to run from the perceived danger.
This reaction can be fast. Faster than the response of our rational brain, which leads to the hijack effect. Being in this state for extended periods can make us hypervigilant towards threats therefore creating an unhelpful and downward spiralling feedback loop over time. Now, it is easy to judge this process with disdain. To wish it was not so. Yet we can learn to love it and appreciate its purpose – which is to keep us safe.
The same can be thought of our Inner Critic. Its intent is to protect or enhance us in some way. To stop us from making mistakes. To change a behaviour that’s not helpful. To push us into aiming higher or to make us confront something we are ignoring…
Learn to make friends with your Inner Critic and appreciate its ‘why’. The voice might not be going away. As the psychologist Carl Jung said, “What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size”. Rather than wishing you had no Inner Critic and resisting what it might be saying, why not study it. Understand its methods and discover its benefit to you.
Insights from a coach
So, coaches don’t have super powers. They are not omnipotent and they are not immune to feelings of self-doubt. However, from their position alongside a person, they have a unique perspective, and over time with insight from a variety of people and circumstance, coaches can see patterns in mindset, behaviour and attitude. You’ll find the below questions from a coach useful when your Inner Critic becomes overactive, hypercritical or appears at an unhelpful time.
How else might I see myself and the situation?
When feeling challenged, stressed or in distress, the perfect conditions for our Inner Critic, our mode of operating switches to survival. In this state we view options as limited, we overestimate the size and shape of the problem, and we forget situations in the past that have challenged us, which we have successful navigated.
By pausing and asking ourselves this question we are slowing things down and inviting the rational part of our being to be more present. In effect, creating an antidote to the emotional hijack and allowing new perspectives and choices to emerge. This in turn enables us to respond rather than react to situations.
How will I feel about this in 2 years’ time? (or a time frame that works for you)
In the heat of the moment when we’re at the edge of our capability, resources, or energy, with so much invested in a decision or action, it can feel like a make-or-break situation. Nothing else matters. Yet, when you recount similar moments, when you’ve pushed through really difficult circumstances, you’ll notice that the passage of time makes events seem less important. Less scary. Less, make-or-break.
Using this question helps us tap into insight from our future selves. It allows us to remember that we have been through challenges before and even grown from them. From the perspective of the future we can also become aware of benefits hidden in the present.
How are my expectations contributing to this situation?
Chances are you’ve taken risks in your life or career. Pushed yourself to go further. Volunteered to step beyond your comfort zone. Created higher and more demanding standards for yourself and others. Even built a relationship with ‘perfection’. Yet, is it a healthy relationship?
Phrases like “I should never fail”, “I need to be right, every time”, “I can’t let others see me as weak”, “I always have to be the best”, may indicate our relationship with perfection has soured slightly. Perfection is an extreme standard and yet it’s a rule that is inflexible and fragile, meaning it’s easy to break.
Imagine the athlete that only compares themselves to their personal best (time, distance, speed, etc.). How often will they fall short of this?
By reflecting on your own expectations of a situation or person you provide pause for sense-checking and new choices. Reflecting in this way allows you to reexamine how much you are trying to control a situation, and whether that is useful, or not. What could you reasonably let go (for now)?
How might I back myself more right now?
We speak to ourselves in a way we would never speak to a friend or loved one. If someone you cared for came to you with a challenging situation would you make statements like “it’s no good, give up now”, “you’re not good enough to do this”, “you don’t deserve this”, “it will all go wrong”… so why do we speak to ourselves in this way?
Self-compassion may feel like an indulgence or a luxury at times, but what would happen if you viewed it as your right? Surely, you have the right to care for and support yourself?
Asking the question “how might I back myself more right now?”, creates space to consider how you are treating yourself at that exact moment and what a more resourceful alternative might look, sound and feel like.
And finally
There is a Cherokee Indian story about two wolves that live in us an individuals. One wolf represents anger, regret, guilt, self-pity and inferiority. The other wolf represents joy, hope, compassion, kindness and peace. As they battle there is the question, “which wolf will win?”. The answer of course is “the wolf you nurture, feed and nourish most often”.
It would be great to hear your opinions, experience or stories on self-doubt and how you manage your Inner Critic. Whether you have a simple technique that works for you or if you have seen others excel in this area.
Suggested Reading
The Miracle Morning: 6 Habits by Hal Elrod, 2017
The Art of Being Brilliant by Andy Cope, 2012
This article was written for The Tall Wall by Bryan Sampson, a leading executive and team coach. If you would like to find our more about our executive coaching programmes, please get in touch.
