How to say ‘no’ with skill
Considering how small the word is, ‘no’ arises as a surprisingly big issue for many, having negative connotations, creating fear, and often feeling hard to incorporate within a professional lexicon.
There are a myriad of possible reasons why the idea of saying ‘no’ can present challenges. Sometimes this can be to do with your perception of the culture (not OK to say it), poor past experiences, imagined negative consequences or a belief or prevailing thought that you’ll only succeed (be promoted, accepted) if you say yes. Whatever the underlying causes, the topic of saying ‘no’ is much discussed in coaching because it’s tricky to actually do it and do it well.
“When you say ‘yes’ to something, you always have to say ‘no’ to something else ”
In this blog, we share some of our collective ‘top tips’ for mastering this little word. In the grand scheme of things, this is as much about saying ‘yes’ well as it is about saying ‘no’ well; the quality of your use case for both words may benefit from more attention.
Qualifying questions: Make sure you say yes to what you can deliver. Ask clarifying questions to get granular about the exact nature of a task and its variables. Then you can say yes to either some or all it and maybe gain a line of sight to what could be delegated.
Buy time: Give yourself time to discern whether this is something you can do, want to and/or should do. You may believe that an immediate answer is expected/necessary, yet this is rarely the case. Take the time you need to fully understand the request so you can give a considered answer, e.g. “This is important and I’d like time to properly consider, let me come back to you in a few hours”.
Know what matters to you: How clear are you about your direction of career travel and what marks you out as exceptional? Knowing the scope of your current role and your career heading can provide a helpful yardstick against which to assess the answer you choose to give, versus the one you feel pressured into giving that may not be in your interests.
Be professional: This is the setting in which your ‘no’ is being given. A courteous ‘no’ is OK, not a dirty word and appropriate to the environment in which the question is being both asked and answered.
Be clear: Consider your rationale so it is clear in your mind (out of scope, at capacity, etc.). Thinking on the fly, especially under pressure, can sometimes work against you.
Be direct: Obfuscation is unhelpful (to the outcome and the impression you make) and can leave the door open for push-back and negotiation. State your reason clearly and politely and keep it short – e.g. “This is not something I can lead on right now. I’d be better placed participating/reviewing/contributing to support another lead.”
No excuses: This opens the door to justification ping-pong and rarely yields the result you’re after.
Use conditions: If this is something you want to say yes to but the timing, scope, role isn’t quite right, get into the detail of the request and negotiate to a ‘yes’ that will work for you – e.g. “I do not have capacity to do this now, but will have next week if that would work?”
Consider what you are giving up: When you say ‘yes’ to something, you always have to say ‘no’ to something else – e.g. to spending time with your family, to completing another work project on time, to that gym class or leisure activity. Keep your focus on what matters to you and keeps you at your best.
“Does saying ‘yes’ really create the impression you’re after and serve your aspirations? ”
In support of getting to grips with a propensity to say ‘yes’, take a moment to consider the following:
Try and notice the thoughts that are dominant in your mind and drive you to the ‘yes’ falling out of your mouth before you can catch it. Perhaps they might sound something like this; “if I say no, they’ll think I’m incapable…….I’ll look difficult”…….. I’ll be overlooked for future opportunities”. If you can, catch the thoughts, write them down and then try challenging each thought with these questions: Where is the evidence for this being true? Do you really believe it (the thought)? How reasonable is it to think this? Hopefully, in seeing the irrationality of some of the thoughts, you can start to change how they influence your responses.
Does saying ‘yes’ really create the impression you’re after and serve your aspirations? It is possible that by always saying ‘yes’ you could be undermining your attempts to command respect and exude gravitas and inadvertently be doing quite the opposite, keeping you stuck.
What has been briefly covered here sits firmly within the province of coaching, so if working with a thinking partner around this topic could make a difference on top of the tips above, please get in touch.
Written for The Tall Wall by executive coach, Sarah Chaplin-Lee.
