On becoming more assertive
By Boaz Safier, April 2024
"To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself. And to trust that there is enough, that you are enough." ― Edith Eva Eger, psychologist
Assertiveness is a much-coveted quality. This morning, I typed into a Google search the phrase “how to be more assertive” and Google returned 84.7 million hits in 0.32 seconds. There were pages and pages of tips, advice, videos, stories and courses on becoming more assertive. Apart from demonstrating the power of Google, it highlighted how much has been written on this subject. This post will take a unique look at assertiveness, thinking about it through the lens of the psychotherapeutic theory of Transactional Analysis (TA), which I find useful in my practice.
And it’s no surprise that assertiveness is something that I work on with my coaching clients; it is a quality that is highly prized – vital perhaps – in professional settings.
One way of looking at assertiveness is as a behaviour that helps us achieve our needs. Be it to secure a pay rise, provide feedback to get better service or say no when a proposal doesn’t work for us.
What is Transactional Analysis (“TA”)?
TA was developed in the 1960s by Eric Berne a psychotherapist interested in the relational dynamics at play when we communicate. A concept at the heart of TA is the “Ego states” model which proposes that at any point in time we can adopt one of three Ego states: Parent, Adult, or Child.
Berne’s choice of language was intentional so that his concepts would be understood by people outside his professional field and so the terms here don’t literally mean parents, adults and children but they are terms we can readily connect with as ways of being in the world.
The Parent Ego state is defined as a set of thoughts, feelings and behaviours that we have adopted from figures of authority in our life. A subset of the behaviours in this Ego state being controlling behaviours. Think of the authoritative, frowning, finger waving figure.
The Child Ego state relates to those thoughts, feelings and behaviours that we replay from our earlier life. Again, a subset of the behaviours in this Ego state are that of the Adapted Child, where we to adapt to the rules and expectations of those around us.
The third of the Ego states, the Adult is defined as thoughts, feelings and behaviours that are a direct response to the here and now – being present, open and direct.
Using TA to become more assertive
Linking this to assertiveness, one way to think of non-assertion is that we are in our Adapted Child Ego state. We are adapting to the needs of those around us, rather than being able to put forward our needs in a way that is direct, open and honest.
We often become less assertive when we are communicating with someone we perceive to be in a more authoritative position – that might be due to their role or simply a tone of voice or body language that hooks us to a past dynamic. From a TA lens, we can unconsciously adopt the Child ego state as we perceive the other to be in the Parent ego state.
By contrast, a way of thinking of assertiveness is that we are in our Adult ego state – being present, appropriately responding to our needs whilst having an awareness and respect of the system we’re in.
So how do we become more assertive?
On one level, there is merit in becoming more practiced with assertive behaviour. For example, learning a set of vocabulary that we can then draw on more easily at important moments, such as:
Using ‘I’ statements – for example: I prefer, I believe, I feel, I would like to… This demonstrates we are owning our position.
Using statements that are brief and to the point – for example ‘I believe option B is the preferable strategy for us’. Rambling statements or those that tail off at the end reduce power and clarity.
Avoiding filler words such as ‘Um’, ‘you know what I mean’, ‘maybe’, ‘just’. They sound hesitant and often unnecessarily discount your position or request.
Avoiding self-regulatory statements – for example: ‘I must’, ‘I should’. This is a way we signal our handing of power to another party. Instead, use ‘I would like to’, ‘I have decided to’ to demonstrate the choices you have taken.
Avoiding phrases that put you down and unnecessary apologies – for example: ‘I’ve never been good at…’, ‘I hope you don’t mind…’
Exploring our beliefs around assertiveness
A deeper level of looking at assertiveness and arguably more impactful is to look at what goes on for us when we put aside our needs. In TA terms this means looking at where we move from Adult to Child ego states and therefore exploring how we can hold onto our Adult ego state in those moments.
One reason we may overly adapt (Child Ego state) to the needs of others around us is because we hold onto some beliefs from the past (which may or may not have been true then). Perhaps early on in our lives, at school or at home, others didn’t have much respect for our needs or maybe there wasn’t much space for our needs to be explored. In certain situations today those beliefs and thoughts may unconsciously play out the same dynamic.
However now as an adult, our circumstances are often very different and so holding onto some of these beliefs may no longer be serving us well.
Therefore, some of the work may be around understanding those situations in which we put aside our needs, identifying and exploring some of our beliefs that may no longer be serving us. This enables us to edit those beliefs to something more appropriate and useful for our current reality. Below are some common beliefs I have come across in working with people and example alternative beliefs they have identified as more useful for them to consciously hold onto.
| Belief that may be limiting us | Example of more helpful belief |
|---|---|
| My opinions do not count |
I have the right to share my opinions and for them to be heard. |
| Other people will not like me if I disagree with them |
Recent evidence tells me that other people have respected my challenge. |
| I should put others first |
I owe it to myself to also look after my needs. |
| If I make a request it will be refused |
I have the right to make a request. |
| I shouldn’t accept praise | I have the right to enjoy praise from others. It is offered with good intent, and I want to appreciate the impact I’ve had. |
How can coaching support?
The work in coaching is to open up a space to become curious about our interactions with others; patterns that play out, the beliefs we hold and therefore opportunities for new beliefs that are more true and helpful.
Building on this we can challenge our thinking patterns in the moment as we experiment with holding onto our Adult Ego state in the more demanding situations. Successful interactions where we are able to assert ourselves often form a cycle of reinforcement, helping us strengthen and cement the new beliefs.
This might sound somewhat simple. And yet I am reminded of the many pages on Google helping us develop this quality. Of course there is no single or simple answer and yet I do believe that greater awareness of our habits and beliefs provides us with real opportunities for meaningful change.
This article was written for The Tall Wall by Boaz Safier, a leading executive coach. If you would like to find out more about how we support leaders with executive coaching, please get in touch.